Connecting with Allah: A foundation for effective parenting - By: Mehreen Tariq

Feeling the weight and exhaustion of the parenting journey, I often found solace on the prayer mat. Yet, by the time I reached it, drained by the day's challenges, weariness had overshadowed my prayers. Sometimes, I'd raise my hands, only to succumb to exhaustion, words failing me. As families, we're all on the same team, and when we feel like we aren't anymore, something is definitely amiss.

In hopes of doing better, I have listened to multiple parenting experts, some of whom were Muslims and others non-Muslims. One thing I really picked up from these speakers is the sheer importance of connection before you even think about correcting your children. This step can make a world of difference, seriously saving your home from the chaos that comes with those constant power struggles. It's all about taking that moment to really connect with your child, to let them know they're seen and heard, before jumping into discipline mode. Trust me, it can make a huge impact.

Extensive research tells us that we cannot get kids to listen until we establish a connection with them. It's a matter of both the brain and the heart. Instead of addressing misbehavior immediately, we must prioritize healing the relationship first. Connection helps because it fosters a sense of safety and openness, whereas punishment, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming, or shaming can trigger fight, flight, or freeze responses. Alhamdulillah after applying this tool, I experienced a positive change in our household. 

However, one conversation with a spiritual coach revolutionized my approach to this discipline tool. I remember sharing with her the challenges of raising my tweens and toddlers at the time. Her response and her advice were like a balm to my overwrought nerves. 

"Sister, make dua that Allah gives you hikmah in your words. Remember to make this dua before speaking to your children."

SubhanAllah, that day, my parenting journey took a turn. 

Connection to Allah is the foundation of effective parenting.

Her words served as a powerful reminder to always seek guidance and wisdom from Allah before anyone, or anything. 

Allah says in the Quran, in verse 2:269:

 “Allah grants wisdom to whoever He wills. And whoever is granted wisdom is certainly blessed with a great privilege. But none will be mindful of this except people of reason.” [Quran, 2:269]

As someone who had fallen prey to scrolling at half past midnight and searching Google for answers to a state of overwhelm, putting Allah first, and asking Allah first, reconnected me with the wisdom of my faith and helped me converse with Allah more.

 This shift made me an empowered parent, as I connected to the Ultimate Source of Power, Allah. 

The children Allah gave me were the children I needed to grow as an individual, and my parenting challenges existed for a reason. I understood that overcoming these turns with Allah meant growth for the entire family.

Here, I want to delve into the disciplined tool of connection. The approach I will introduce incorporates what I've learned along the way into a three-step action plan. This plan includes elements of positive psychology and our faith. While I've been focusing on the connection part for a while now, a second step was added after a conversation with a dear friend, teacher, and life coach who advised me to incorporate it. I realized that I had been unconsciously using it, but had not solidified it as a must. (This is the second step, as you'll see.)

May Allah reward both of these sisters for their help and make this sadiqah jariah for them. May all those reading this benefit, and may we all consistently apply this knowledge. Ameen.

I call this plan ASK: Three Steps for Connection.

This three-step plan will help you create a strong relationship with your child and effectively encourage them to listen more attentively. The acronym not only outlines the sequence of this three-step process but also emphasizes the importance of seeking guidance (asking) from Allah, seeking wisdom from the Seerah, and understanding your child's perspective through empathetic questions and listening.

By Asking Allah, 

Asking ourselves what the Prophet ﷺ would do, 

and Asking our children questions 

that foster connection and explore their feelings, we can create a nurturing environment where our children feel heard, valued, and understood.

1. Ask for guidance from Allah - Connect to Allah

2. Seek wisdom from the Seerah - Connect to the Seerah

3. Know your child's perspective - Connect to your child

1.   A- Ask for guidance from Allah - Connect to Allah

Connect to Allah by dua, asking Allah for help before anything else. 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said,

“The devil is encircling the heart of the son of Adam, when he mentions Allah, he withdraws; but when he is neglectful, he makes evil suggestions.” (Bukhari)

These negative thoughts often surface when we find ourselves embroiled in a power struggle, leaving us vulnerable to the influence of the enemy. Science tells us that the human brain generates thousands upon thousands of thoughts each day. Allah informs us that our thoughts are inspired by Him and whispered by Shaytan, and it is up to us to discern between them. Those are our thoughts, and of course, there's more to that discussion. By connecting to Allah, we can rise above these negative influences and become mindful individuals who remain steadfast in our faith.

For parents already feeling overwhelmed, navigating these challenges from a place of fear, anger, and negativity can exacerbate the situation. Everyday tasks, such as morning school preparations or getting children to clean their room or do their homework, can quickly become daunting nightmares.

When you feel you don’t have the answers to the next step, use ASK, by asking  Him. Your conversations and supplications, and seeking Allah's guidance, should not be confined to Salah alone.

Before resorting to any other principles with your child, connect to the ultimate source of knowledge, the source from which all knowledge begins: Allah.

Before resorting to any psychological principles with your child, connect to the Ultimate source of knowledge, the source from which all knowledge begins: Allah.

Stop, pause, breathe, and converse with your Lord. Don't save it for the prayer mat. In those moments when you're most anguished, your Lord sees you. Seek counsel and advice from Him. You will not leave empty-handed. This conversation and connection with Allah by your side will go a long way for you. In those moments, you realize so much, and you also realize how important that pause was. My mom once told me, as others have said before, “If you want Allah to talk to you, read the Quran, and if you want to talk to him, pray salah.” As parents, we don't always have the opportunity to take time out for these voluntary prayers, or Quran recitations, but what we can do is make dua.

2.   S- Seek wisdom from the Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺlife- Connect to the Seerah

Now that we have connected with Allah, we need to ask ourselves what Prophet Muhammad ﷺ would do in this situation. When wronged, we see him holding space and showing empathy in his engagements with fully grown adults. Here, we are talking about children.

The Qur’an attests to this: “Verily in the Messenger of God, you have a good example” (33:6).

The Advice the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ left You & Me

Abu Hurayrah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported that a man said to the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, "Advise me." He said, "Do not become angry." The man repeated his request several times, and each time the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) told him, "Do not become angry." (Reported by al-Bukhari, Fath al-Bari, 10/456)

This hadith serves as advice for all of us. Let's return to these wise words whenever we seek guidance, remembering that anger leads us nowhere. Anger will, in fact, hinder the connection process.

Another hadith was reported by Anas, may Allah be pleased with him, who said:

 "I was walking with the Messenger of Allah ﷺ , and he was wearing a Najrani cloak with a rough collar. A Bedouin came and seized him roughly by the edge of his cloak, and I saw the marks left on his neck by the collar. Then the Bedouin ordered him to give him some of the wealth of Allah that he had. The Prophet ﷺ  turned to him and smiled, then ordered that he should be given something." (Agreed upon. Fath al-Bari, 10/375)

I always become misty-eyed at this next hadith.

A'isha, the Umm al-Mu'minin, said, "I did not see anyone who more resembled the Messenger of Allahﷺ  , in the manner of speaking than Fatima. When she came to him, he stood up for her, made her welcome, kissed her, and had her sit in his place. When the Prophet ﷺ  came to her, she stood up for him, took his hand, made him welcome, kissed him, and made him sit in her place. She came to him during his final illness and he greeted her and kissed her."

By emulating Prophet Muhammad ﷺ and Fatimah’s relationship, we can strengthen familial connections. Our role model is a man who would not get up from sujood if his grandchildren were on him. Sujood is when we are closest to Allah in worship. Even in that position, he behaved with patience, love, and mercy. So, when we find ourselves grappling with instances of what we perceive as the utmost disrespect or the worst behavior from our children, let us turn to the actions of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ for guidance and solutions.

3.   K- Know your child's perspective; - Connect to your child

Now, after allowing yourself moments of pause for your cortisol levels to naturally subside, you find a sense of calm, collectedness, and inner regulation, feeling reassured by Allah and confident in the example set by Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. What follows in your response carries profound potential to leave a lasting impact. Experts say the most effective approach is to start with questions. Ask your child why they are feeling this way. In her book, No One Taught me This, Iram Bint Safia says,

“ One key to building and maintaining strong relationships, whether with children or adults, is to ask open-ended questions that promote meaningful conversations. When it comes to children, open-ended questions can help them express their thoughts and feelings and encourage them to think critically.” She also emphasizes that the two keys that open us parents to a world of possibilities are validation and acknowledgment. 

When prioritizing connection before correction, it's crucial to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a sincere longing to cultivate a positive relationship. Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is to establish trust and mutual understanding before delving into the specific issue at hand. Your child understands you're not against them but for them. 

What happens when we ASK?

We are intentional.

 We are mindful of Allah.

All in all, parenting becomes worship.

With tawheed as the foundation of this strategy, our families will become a source of coolness for our eyes, إن شاء الله. Your children will follow in the footsteps of Tawheed and take from the Prophet Muhammad’s ﷺ example. These mindful and intentional steps on this parenting journey, which constitute acts of worship, will ultimately lead us to Jannah together with our families. 

Comment below with your takeaways and how you would establish the connection with your children