Book Byte - The Delicate Balance: "Difference Between Advising and Shaming"- By: Sharmeen Kazi

Imam Ibn Rajab al-Hanbali's book, "Difference Between Advising and Shaming," illustrates the delicate balance between offering sincere advice and avoiding the pitfalls of public shaming. It explores the Islamic concept of "naseehah," which means sincere counsel or advice, and contrasts it with "shaming" or humiliating others.

On the surface, this book may seem to discuss manners and etiquette in dealing with differences of opinion among scholars. It is actually far more than that. The lessons it carries can be translated into our everyday lives, in all our interactions with people of all ages and denominations.  

It elucidates the proper manners and etiquette in advising, stressing the importance of sincerity, privacy, and adherence to Islamic teachings. Through many examples, Ibn Rajab al Hanbali illustrates Allah's prohibition against shaming others and the necessity of genuine, constructive advice. 

Why is this classical text still valid in today’s time:

This book serves as a necessary reminder in an era marked by hasty judgments and slanderous behavior, urging readers to prioritize the truth and seek a deeper understanding of Islamic principles. It explains the proper methods of advising, including private counsel, public admonition, and the practice of Hajr (boycott), which can also be seen as the ‘cancel culture’ of today. Be it against anyone, Muslim or non-Muslim, especially a Muslim, there needs to be elucidated in this classical text.

Moreover, Imam Ibn Rajab emphasizes the gravity of backbiting and slander, cautioning against spreading unverified information about others. This advice, in particular, is essential for adults to watch how they speak to others and in front of children. 

In his work, Imam Ibn Rajab emphasizes the importance of advising with wisdom, compassion, and gentleness, drawing from the teachings of the Quran and the Sunnah (traditions of the Prophet Muhammad). He highlights that the intention behind advising should be to guide others towards righteousness and rectification, rather than to belittle or embarrass them.

Imam Ibn Rajab discusses the characteristics of sincere advice, such as sincerity of intention, empathy, and the use of kind and respectful language. He also warns against the dangers of arrogance and self-righteousness in the act of advising, which can undermine its effectiveness and sincerity.

The harmful effects of public shaming and the Islamic prohibition of exposing others' faults and sins. 

Imam Ibn Rajab emphasizes the importance of maintaining people's dignity and privacy, even when offering correction or admonishment.

It outlines the characteristics of sincere advice and censure, providing profound clarity that promises benefit, especially to those actively involved in conveying the message of Islam. This is particularly relevant in today's age of social media, where individuals often assume the role of religious authorities and engage in public shaming of scholars, a trend that the book aptly addresses.

Excerpt from the book:

“The punishment of one who spreads and searches for the faults of his Muslim brother and exposes his mistakes is that Allah shall disgrace him even if he is inside his house.

Prophet SAW said: “Do not express joy at your brother’s misfortune or else Allah will pardon him for it and test you with it.”

“Whoever shames his brother for a sin, will not die until he also does it.”

All adults need to internalize this lesson, which is so crucial because it will shape how they raise their children. Not only that, but it also needs to be modeled for them by the adults around them, especially their parents. 

Despite the narrow focus on advising and shaming scholars, the book offers universal principles applicable to everyday life. Drawing from the practices of their righteous predecessors, it underscores the importance of upholding truth with wisdom and humility, even when faced with opposition.

A common mistake adults make when supposedly giving advice is:

Many times, parents or well-meaning adults don’t realize the impact of consciously or unconsciously negatively impacting bonds and relationships with children.

Culturally, many people, be it a relative, an acquaintance, or even a parent, tend to criticize, compare, or put down children in front of other siblings or sometimes even other people. Some people even have the habit of discussing their own kids or other people’s faults in front of others. Such insensitive behavior can be very damaging to one’s self-esteem, be it as a child, spouse, or adult. 

On the other hand, sometimes such discussions are done with the best of intentions.

Ibn Rajab says: 

Among the most obvious kinds of shaming are disclosing and spreading the faults of others under the pretense of advice, then claiming that this person’s motive is these faults, general or specific, while, in fact, this person’s actual intention and hidden aim is to shame and cause harm.

 Do we realize the seriousness of random, harsh comments? Insensitivity can come back to bite us 

This book also includes important points that can be used to prevent shaming or using hurtful words, bullying behavior, or such tendencies, pointing out the negative consequences of such undesirable acts. 

“Al Hasan said: ‘It used to be said, he who shames his brother for a sin from which he repented, will not die until Allah tests him with it. (i.e. the same sin).’

When Ibn Sirin was in great debt and was imprisoned due to his inability to pay off his debts, he said: ‘I am aware of the sin which brought me into this hardship, I shamed a man forty years ago, and I said to him: ‘O bankrupt one.’”   

An example of this is when a person would like to shame and criticize another person to show others his faults with the aim of keeping people away from him, or for the pleasure of harming him, or due to existing enmity, or because he fears him due to a rivalry that exists between them with regard to wealth, leadership, or other blameworthy causes. However, these vile purposes cannot be reached except by defaming him, in public, due. to a religious deficiency or a mistake such as knowing that someone [from the people of knowledge] has rejected a weak opinion of a well-known scholar, so he spreads amongst those who dignify and highly respect this well-known scholar that this person dislikes their scholar and belittles him.

Do right even if wrong is done to you: 

After distinguishing between advising and shaming or belittling, Ibn Rajab Al Hanbali highlights situations where individuals might face injustice, false accusations, misrepresentation of their words or traits, or constant scrutiny of their mistakes. In such circumstances, they suggest that one should initially defend themselves without overexertion. If the difficulty persists, the advice is to exercise patience.

As Allah reminds in Surah Al A’raf 7:128

And the [best] outcome is for the righteous.

And in Al-Zumar, verse 39:10

Indeed, the patient will be given their reward without account [i.e., limit]

Noble goals should be achieved by noble means

The essence of the author's message resonates profoundly with the notion that the intended end does not justify the means. This means that one cannot adopt immoral or unethical means to reveal the truth or get justice. Therefore, in the pursuit of noble and virtuous objectives, the paths chosen to attain them ought to be equally noble and virtuous.

One key lesson from the book is the necessity for both the advisor and the advisee to prioritize truth over personal interests. The incidents described in the book emphasize the obligation to accept truth regardless of its source, highlighting the mutual responsibility in the process of advising and accepting advice.

Avoid hypocrisy at all costs

The author discusses how people sometimes say good things but are not necessarily well-intentioned. This is hypocritical behavior, pretending to be good while actually having evil goals.

However, the author clarifies that displaying some traits of hypocrisy doesn't automatically classify one as a hypocrite. Just because someone shows some signs of hypocrisy doesn't mean they're a full hypocrite. 

A hadith lists four qualities of hypocrites.

"There are four qualities; whosoever has them is a hypocrite, and whosoever has a characteristic of these four possesses a characteristic of hypocrisy until he leaves it: when he speaks, he lies, when he promises .he breaks it, when he makes a covenant, he proves treacherous, and when he argues, he behaves in an imprudent and uncouth manner.”

However, if someone has any of these qualities, they show a bit of hypocrisy, but they cannot be considered hypocrites unless they consistently show all these traits.

In conclusion, "The Difference Between Advising and Shaming" serves as a guide for parents, adults, teachers, as well as scholars and leaders on how to navigate interpersonal relationships with compassion, wisdom, and sincerity, while upholding the principles of Islamic ethics and morality. Ibn Rajab Al Hanbali, eloquently dissects the distinctions between advising, which is encouraged, and shaming, which is prohibited, shedding light on these often misunderstood concepts. This book offers a comprehensive guide for navigating interpersonal relationships with wisdom and compassion. It holds valuable advice on sincerity of intention, empathy, and the use of kind and respectful language in all interactions while being mindful of the dangers of arrogance and self-righteousness in the act of advising, which can most certainly undermine its effectiveness and sincerity.